clever student

2007-12-18T05:08:00.000-08:00

New company rules

2007-12-13T04:56:00.001-08:00

Dear All,Please be advised that the following are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company.:

ATTIRE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to yoursalary.If we see you wearing Prada trainers and carrying a Gucci bag, weassume you are going well financially and therefore you do not needa raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your moneybetter, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dressin-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

HOLIDAYS:Each employee will receive 104 days holiday a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more sothat they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink aSlim Fast.

SICK DAYS:We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. TOILET USE:Too much time is being spent in the toilets so there is now a strict 3-minute limit in the stalls. When this time is up, an alarm willsound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picturewill be posted on the company bulletin board under the "ChronicOffenders" category.
Best regardsHuman Resources Department

Bananas...

2007-12-13T04:52:00.000-08:00

Never, put your banana in the refrigerator! !!This is interesting.After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.
Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit.
It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.
Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.
Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.
Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.
Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.Hangovers: One of the quickestways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.
Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.
Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.Smoking & Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.Strokes: According to research in "The New England Journal of Medicine, 'eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!
So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"PASS IT ON TO YOUR FRIENDSPS: Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time!
I will add one here; want a quick shine on our shoes?? Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry cloth.Amazing fruit

Definitions you won't find in the dictionary

2007-12-13T04:51:00.001-08:00

Definitions you won't find in the dictionary
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Howwazzat?

2007-12-13T04:49:00.002-08:00

U R the one who is CHARMING

U R the one who is INTELLIGENT

U R the one who is CUTE

And

I am the One who is spreading these RUMOURS

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -

I saw U on the road that day

U Were Looking so fine

Ur Face So Divine

Ur Walk So Perfect

My Heart Started to Sing a Sweet Song??????.

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -

A - U r Attractive

B - U r the Best

C - U r Cute

D - U r Dear 2 Me

E - U r Excellent

F - U r Funny

G - U r Good-Looking

H - hehehe

I - I'm

J - JOKING

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Another MOON ? Possible

Another SUN ? Possible

Another SKY ? Possible

Another Frnd Like U ? Impossible

'coz GOD can't make the same MISTAKE twice

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Roses are RED

Violets are BLUE

Monkeys Like U

Should be kept in the ZOO

Dun Worry, u'll find me there TOO

Not in the Cage, but LAUGHING AT U

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

U r the ACCENT of my Life, ALTO of my Dreams, IKON of my Eyes, ZEN of my

Thoughts, INDICA of my Joy, LANCER of my Heart.

Can anyone clear this TRAFFIC JAM plzz

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Those Saprkling Eyes

Those Marvelous Lips

A 100 Watt Smile

The Majestic Walk

The Cheerful Talk

Truly Charming Personality

Guess, That's Enough abt ME

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

so Sweet is ur SMILE???

so Sweet is ur STYLE???

so Sweet is ur VOICE???

so Sweet is ur EYE?????

see how Sweetly I LIE

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Look at the Ocean, see GOD's Abundance !

Look at the Sky, see GOD's Wonder !

Look at the Moon, see GOD's Glory !

Look at the Mirror, see GOD's BLUNDER !!

Section 49-O of the Constitution...IMPORTANT

2007-12-13T04:49:00.001-08:00

Section 49-O of the Constitution:

Did you know that there is a system in our
constitution, as per the
1969 act, in section "49-O" that a person can go
to the polling booth,
confirm his identity, get his finger marked and
convey the presiding
election officer that he doesn't want to vote
anyone!

Yes such a feature is available, but obviously
these seemingly
notorious leaders have never disclosed it. This
is called "49-O".

Why should you go and say "I VOTE NOBODY"...
because, in a ward, if a
candidate wins, say by 123 votes, and that
particular ward has received
"49-O" votes more than 123, then that polling
will be cancelled and
will have to be re-polled. Not only that, but
the candidature of the
contestants will be removed and they cannot
contest the re-polling,
since
people had already expressed their decision on
them. This would bring
fear into parties and hence look for genuine
candidates for their
parties
for election. This would change the way, of our
whole political
system... it is seemingly surprising why the
election commission has
not
revealed such a feature to the public....

Please spread this news to as many as you
know... Seems to be a
wonderful weapon against corrupt parties in
India... show your
power,expressing your desire not to vote for
anybody, is even more
powerful than
voting... so don't miss your chance. So either
vote, or vote not to
vote
(vote 49-O) and pass this info on...

"Please forward this mail to as many as
possible, so that we, the
people of India, can really use this power to
save our nation". Use
your
voting right for a better INDIA.

Man Behind "Ctrl+Alt+Delete"

2007-12-13T04:47:00.000-08:00

Punjab board question paper leaked....

2007-12-13T04:46:00.000-08:00

sardarji

2007-12-13T04:45:00.000-08:00

Mr Banta Singh is traveling from Moscow to Bhatinda. Seated besides him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to play chess to kill time.

Banta : 'Oye Gar(r)y. You think I don't know who you are?. I can't compete with a world champion'

Gary : 'How about if I play left handed ?'

Banta : [Think.. Think..] 'OK!'

Banta is demolished in 4 moves... and is very upset through-out the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend Santa Singh.

Banta : Hey! You know what! I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated me inspite of him playing left-handed. ....

Santa : Oye ullu-de pathey!! He sure did fool you!! You know what!! Gary IS LEFT-HANDED! !

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Cheating...

How Does a Sardar Cheat the Railways?

He buys the ticket but doesn't travel

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Our Sardarji got an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. Sardarji had never flied before and hence was quite excited although tense.

Once he boarded the plane, a BOEING 707 Sardaji started jumping in excitement,jumping from seat to seat and shouting 'BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....'.

He forgot all about the surroundings and the shouting reached the cock-pit.

Irritated by the sound, the Pilot came out and shouted 'BE SILENT! '. There was a pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody was looking at the Sardarji and the angry Pilot.

Sardarji stared at the Pilot in silence for a moment and the next moment was shouting,

'OEING! OEING!! OEING!!! OE...'.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Sardar went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to SARDARs," he replied.

He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied.

"Damn, he recognized me," he thought. He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.

Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Sardar?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied. ...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
A sardar's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":

"I don't have to think-I'm sardar!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Why couldn't the sardar write the number "eleven"?

He didn't know which "one" came first..

RAMLAL MASTER

2007-12-13T04:44:00.000-08:00

WHEN RAMLAL MASTER TRY TO SPEAK ENGLISH

# About his family :
------------ --

I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?)

# At the ground :
------------ -

All of you, stand in a straight circle.
There is no wind in the balloon.
The girl with the mirror please come here...{Meaning girl with specs).

# To a boy, angrily :

I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk ?

# Giving a punishment :
------------ -------

You, rotate the ground four times...
You, go and under-stand the tree...
You three of you, stand together separately.
Why are you late - say YES or NO ....(?)

# Sir at his best :
------------ ---

Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did not see them.
So the next day at school... ( to that boy ) - "
Yesterday , I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"

Inside the Class :
------------ ----

Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
Cut an apple into two halves - take the bigger half.
Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor
You, meet me behind the class. (meaning AFTER the class .. )
Both of u three, get out of the class.

Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today ...

Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....
Take 5 cm wire of any length....

Ooooooooo

give it a smile

2007-12-13T04:42:00.001-08:00

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

15 Things

2007-12-13T04:41:00.001-08:00

15 Things You Probably

Never Knew or Thought About

1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. If not for you, someone may not be living.

8. You are special and unique.

9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.

13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.

15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

A Minute

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Send this phrase to the people you'll never forget and remember to send it also to the person that sent it to you. It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them. If you don't send it to anyone, it means you're in a hurry and that you've forgot your friends.

Take the time... to live and love.

Interview questions

2007-12-13T04:40:00.001-08:00

Honestly, we will have these answers in our mind ... but we give different, tailored and suitable answers to the guy !

1.Why did you apply for this job?

I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.

2. Why do you want to work for this company?

I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.

3. Why should I hire you?

You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.

4.What would you do if this happened?

Well, it depends my mindset and mood at that situation...

5.What is your biggest strength?

Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company

6.What is your biggest weakness?

Girls

7.What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?

Joining my earlier company and learnt that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today

8.What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?

Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.

9.Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?

Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.

10.Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?

For the same reason why you left your earlier job

11. What do you want from this job?

If no work is given but keep giving good hikes

12.What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?

Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs

13.Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?

Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website

14.What is the salary expected and how do justify that?

Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard

(I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%)

what on man's mind - art

2007-12-13T04:27:00.000-08:00

Moral - Dil Chata Hai !!!

2007-12-13T04:25:00.002-08:00

Things we can learn from Dil Chahta Hai.......

*Freaking out and enjoying life doesn't need drugs or cigarettes.

*There are relationships apart from bf/gf, marriage,siblings,friendship that can be very emotional and true. which is beyond the understanding of many people.

*And yeah even though u may be the best of friends there is always a limit which should never be crossed. Then it starts hurting...........

*Improving ur imperfections after you realize it, always take some time.

*You always don't need to show or prove your gf/bf how much u love or care about her/him, which can sound very boring and finally u r dumped.

*Believe in Love , true love will never let you down.

*Never be ashamed to go back to your old friends, friends are there to understand your mistakes.

*Do not be afraid of others, always think that others r afraid of you.(Australian Beggar ).

*Whenever you need your friend , remember that he is just a phone call away...distances can't separate friends.

*In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

2007-12-13T04:25:00.001-08:00

Doctor and jar

2007-12-13T04:22:00.000-08:00

God is missing - 2 nauty kids

2007-12-13T04:18:00.000-08:00

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly. Where is God The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, Where is God!! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, WHERE IS GOD! The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, What happened The younger brother, gasping for air, replied, We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing, and they think WE did it!!

MOTHER

2007-12-13T02:52:00.001-08:00

This is a truly BEAUTIFUL piece please
read this at a slow pace, digesting every word and in
leisure...do not hurry....this is a treasure...

For those lucky to still be blessed with your Mom,
this is beautiful. For those of us who aren't, this is
even more beautiful. For those who are moms, you'll love this.

The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is
this the long way?" she asked. And the guide said: "Yes, and the way is hard.
And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But
the end will be better than the beginning."

But the young mother was happy, and she would not
believe that anything could be better than these years. So she
played with her children, and gathered flowers for
them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams; and
the sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried,
"Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

Then the night came, and the storm, and the path was
dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother
drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the children said,
"Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."
And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and
the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary.
But at all times she said to the children," A little patience and we are there."
So the children climbed, and when they reached the top
they said, "Mother, we would not have done it without you."

And the mother, when she lay down at night looked up
at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my
children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage.
Today, I 've given them strength."

And the next day came strange clouds which darkened
the earth, clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped
and stumbled, and the mother said: "Look up. Lift your eyes to the light.
" And the children looked and saw above the clouds
an everlasting glory, and it guided them beyond the
darkness. And that night the Mother said,
"This is the best day of all, for
I have shown my children God."
And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and
the years, and the mother grew old and she was little and bent.
But her children were tall and strong, and walked with
courage. And when the way was rough, they lifted her,
for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill,
and beyond they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And
mother said, "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end
is better than the beginning, for my children can
walk alone, and their children after them."

And the children said, "You will always walk with us,
Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."
And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates
closed after her. And they said: "We cannot see her
but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She
is a living presence.... ..."

Your Mother is always with you.... She's the whisper
of the leaves as you walk down the street; she's the smell of bleach
in your freshly laundered socks; she's the cool hand
on your brow when you're not well. Your Mother lives
inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop.
She's the place you came from, your first home; and
she's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first love
and your first heartbreak, and nothing on earth can
separate you.

Not time, not space... not even death!

PASS THIS ON TO ALL THE MOTHERS & CHILDREN YOU KNOW.

Tom and jerry - cue ball cat

2007-12-12T22:45:00.000-08:00

Tom and jerry - spring time for thomas

2007-12-12T22:44:00.000-08:00

Amazing pool tricks!

2007-12-12T22:40:00.000-08:00